On The Long List Of Things You'll Never Know:
How on that first morning after -
I suspected i'd already scared you
too far into yourself
even for words -
as you could only nod and smile.
Although, the days inbetween, soft and comfortable,
still something between us suspended,
unspoken.
How after you left for your plane,
i lay in my bed hugging the pillow
you, merely hours before,
had slept on...
knowing i'd already lost you,
your bravado
that this was not a parting
notwithstanding.
How later that nite
in my characteristic inability to be alone
i went to another lover's house.
How after sex, and he fell asleep...
I crawled to the bathroom,
sobbed uncontrollably,
for a good half an hour,
wondering...
how i could feel one way
so much
yet do
such something
so completely
different
and throw my whole
self
into this
doubt
that has
plagued me
for so very many months now.
Itz bothersome after so much time
to still cry spontaneously like i do.
And the casual words.
Responding, but not seeking.
And the passing how are you.
This is worse,
really,
than
if you'd said goodbye.
