In Exemplum
The winter sun never really rises –
it rather lingers, lazy on
a low horizon.
No indication of changes
weather the steel grey sky.
In season's twilight,
circumstances
happen upon one
abruptly, without warning.
I am so soft,
warm and mobile.
I am a low key hum
amicably flowing
through rounds of drinks
and easy conversation.
There is no sudden flash,
no sea change,
no damp gusts bringing rain.
Only the chatter of the bar,
tobacco smoke, and
the pleasant press of bodies,
leaning in to order drinks
or pay.
Such moments
blur in recollection –
reconciling divergence.
I said this, and then you said that …
no, I think
I could have said this.
Neither of us will remember
the exact turn
we took or
how we drifted
from the low key hum
and pleasant press.
Rash impulsiveness,
propelled in
unexpected
directions.
Fathoms of current
vortex,
the bar deluged
with former lovers
and contemporary trysts.
We all learn the difference
between love
and sex
generally at the expense
of other people.
Loyalty cannot be mandated,
not for any length of time.
The universe expands,
chatter, smoke and pleasant
press waft.
You were transparent –
you made no amends,
extended no
promises.
Riding the
swell and dip,
at the mercy of
dipolar
moments,
loose navigation
by desire.
I did not hesitate.
I had complete faith
in the moment.
I will preserve and defend,
but I can't lay claim.
I would not intend
to manage or possess
the power
of the ocean.
We are in this universe
happy debris adrift,
caught in
dynamic balance.
And, for a moment,
entwined
by current.
Everyone -
what they are looking for
it's unquantifiable
though they've plenty of metrics
emotionally available
someone to snuggle into
the one who picks up the slack
pays his own bills
doesn’t fuck around
is ready for the long haul
and she sipped on the cosmopolitan
detailing the ethics of the mythical him
that perfect man
I the only smoker
politely exhaling to the side
sad at her sadness
'they're just aren’t any men who
are worth it'
but there are
I can't even count
on my many fingers
such a quantity
I would run out of digits
those men who have opened up
to me
been themselves
run the risk
totally worth it
she doesn’t see
everyone looking for it
the existential proof
the worry below our brains
are we loved
are we right
are we decent
are we ok
are we truly as alone as we feel
and I see it in her
want to reach out
try to tell her
look you need a hug
everyone is really looking
for connection
are you there
are you there
so afraid and unable
reaching out to be mistaken
wrong number
----
Heavy Dreams
heavy dreams more feelings than semantics
being inbetween homeless
there was a flood
or something devastating
people lost gone or otherwise
removed
I was floating
caught between
horror
and gratefulness
Derelictia
Along with the catalog of "Entrances to Hell in the UK" previously posted, this site of abandoned subway stations & platforms in NYC is also groovy.
Retro-fitted Short Story
(Austin, 1995)
'So' the tall one sayz, and sidles up next to me at the wall... A slippery cloud of vodka vapor envelopes my head as he leans dangerously at me slurring. 'Carl said you like to party?'
'I AM a party, sweetie,' i tell him, my own liquored breath rebounding back at me.
I'm not even sure what he lookz like, but i've seen him around and i seem to remember hez cute. Right now, though, seems like all i can focus on is his chin. Maybe itz just because his face is lurching so close to mine. Hez definitely lubed and lookin for the next ticket. But hey, so am i.
He leans against me, 'whatcha got?' he whispers loudly into my ear over the bass.
Now all i can see is his neck, and his tongue has somehow found itz way to my ear while he waitz for a reply.
'I'm not sure itz as good as the sh*t you're on right now, turbo...', I whisper huskily back at him.
His tongue is now busy at my shoulder, dancing such strange and intricate spirals that itz a wonder he somehow manages to say, 'do me two for twenty-five.'
I pull my knee slowly up along his thigh and press it hard against his groin. He leans into it, exhaling lustful 'oh-baby's'. I am glad the wall is behind me or else i would fall over.
'You must be bullsh*t trippin, lover,' i say, 'twenty-five MIGHT get you one -- and thatz only if i LIKE you.' I bite his earlobe a little for emphasis.
'Aw, gorgeous. You like me. You kno you do,' he licks my neck. 'And besides, one of the two can be for you.'
I slip my hand into the waistband of his jeans while pushing my knee unhealthily forceful into his crotch. He exhales abruptly, and then holds still, becoming aware of my hand locked firmly on his genital region. 'You're a sh*thed. A REAL man would buy my drugz FOR me, even if he was buying them FROM me,' I berate directly into his ear. His half-lidded eyez momentarily widen.
'No, no, thatz cool baby' he pleads, 'i understand.'
'I will give you two for fifty-five,' i say, 'And thatz only cuz you got a decent sized schlang.' I tug at the device in question.
'Front left pocket,' he purrs, 'Therez sixty. Take it all. Just be good to me, baby.'
I have him up against the wall now, one hand down his pants, the other digging into his pocket. 'Other left...' he giggles. Curious bathroom goers toss us the odd glance on their way past.
'Oh babe,' he caresses, sliding one hand up the front of my blouse, 'You know i'll only ever screw you when you want me to..'
'Or when i'm asleep...' i snarl, trading places with him at the wall. Working his pockets, i gesture with my chin towards my chest. 'Therez two in my bra. have fun.'
He spends a lot of time finding the stuff, and definitely takez my advice. and just as the dealz closing, with one last groping free-for-all, some b*tch throws a cup of ice and water at us!
Itz that ho, cindy.
'You with HER?' i ask, astounded.
Cindyz screaming all kindz of nonsense at me. Like she even knows who i am. I just ignore her, like i alwayz do. Shez like some hyped-up lap dog over there, yip-yapping, all self-inflated.
He seems suprised at her. A little taken aback, he doesn't unhand me all at once.
'Oh! shez my ride!,' he abruptly rememberz and hurries off after her...
